We Are Family……..

3 SEP 2019

Hello Corporate American Minions! Here I am again for another installment of truth.

Today I would like to lay some knowledge on you about the so-called “corporate family”.   Why is it that some Corporate America (CA) executive chuckle-heads insist on having cutesy names for the employer-employee relationship?  Over the past 30 years I have been part of various Corporate America office families, a team member, an associate,  a crew member (as in ship), and on and on, blah, blah, blah…. these cute pet-name office associations are established in an effort to give the lowly CA minions the illusion that we are one big happy corporate family, but the only problem is we are not the big happy family. If it is a normal functioning office it is anything but that.  When I think of a corporate family, I am thinking of something more in line with the Manson family than anything else. What the manglement  (yes..that’s manglement .. not a misspelling) execs don’t understand is that the more they try to give the office environment the “homey” feel, the more they depress everyone by making them wish they were at home!!!  As the saying goes “a bad day at home beats a good day at work…..”  or something like that.  Even though I do hate the cute dysfunctional family group names at the office…. I am partial to the “crew member” reference.  However when I think of being part of an office crew,  I don’t think of happy singing pirate crew as portrayed in a Hollywood musical from the 40’s (you know where all the pirates drink rum, sing with perfect pitch in chorus and are excellent dancers…“with a yo-ho-ho and yee-hee-hee…the pirate life for me!!!”).   On the contrary, when I think of being a crew member in regards to Corporate America, I think of the huge wooden warships with the rows of slaves (aka CA Minions) in the bowels of the hull pulling long oars in unison while some muscular dude in the back is beating a drum.   That image seems so perfect for Corporate America.   As was uttered in the movie Spartacus with Kirk Douglas, “row well and live”!!  

As with most families, the corporate family has its share of dysfunction, but it is dysfunction on steroids. At the office I think is best to stick to the boring old manager/employee paradigm.  Example: Manager tells employee what to do and then  manager yells at employee after they do it. Very simple, concise, no fuss, no muss, no bother.  That is the natural order of things in the office jungle.   Note to Managers:  please don’t try to be Ward Cleaver and mentor/counsel the Beav when things go bad – that’s demeaning. Besides, we minions just pretend to listen,  make the caring face, and nod thoughtfully – all we really hear when you talk is the “adult voice” from a Charlie Brown Christmas Special …. (wonder how many CA minions get the Ward Cleaver  or the Charlie Brown reference?? Google it).  

So that is it for now my fellow CA minions…. Be sure to check out the “THE CHALLENGE” page and send me your CA story.  If I use it I’ll send you a cheap, crappy T-shirt!!!

Until next time my minion-in-arms, keep your head down and keep wearing that Kevlar underwear!!


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