18 SEP 2019
Hello Corporate American Minions! Time for some mid-week Corporate America humor or at least my feeble attempt at it. Feel free to steal this old joke – I did.
A big time Corporate Fortune 100 Manager meets his demise two days prior to his retirement after 40 years on the job. He is standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting his turn when the Heavenly Human Resources Director comes out and calls the Manager into the HR office.
The HR Director states, “No doubt you have a few questions. I need to let you know up front that we’ve instituted a new policy for admission into Heaven. We call it the Heavenly Acceptance Designed Evaluation Self-assessment program or HADES for short”.
The confused Manager looked at the HR Director and uttered,”What does that mean? Basically I’m dead and I go to Heaven?”
The HR Director responded, “Not exactly. In this new age of diversity, political correctness, and such…we now have strict guidelines to mandate that you explore options”.
Manager is even more confused, “What the hell???”
The HR Director smiled, “Exactly!! Now you’re getting the idea! In the new HADES Program you will spend the next 24 hours in Heaven and additionally, in the vein of fair play, you will then spend the subsequent 24 hours in Hell. Easy. Right?”
The Manager was even more than confused than ever. “I still don’t get it”.
The HR Director goes on, “Once you’ve completed your 24 hours in Heaven and your 24 hours in Hell, you’ll come back to this office and make your official choice of where you’ll spend eternity. I can’t make it any simpler than that!”
The Manager retorts back,” We don’t need all that! I pick Heaven and that is it…”.
The HR Director just shakes his head and states, “Now you know as a longtime manager in Corporate America that rules must be followed so that the paperwork is correct. My Intern will help you on your way to get the process started. See you in 48 hours!!”
The Intern with clipboard in hand led the Manager away and they entered Heaven. As ordered by the HR Director, the Intern connected the Manager with his family, friends, and others from the Manager’s past. The Manager was so happy to see everyone! He even saw his precious pets that he lost long ago. His heart swelled as he felt the love from those he missed so dearly. He and his family talked, laughed, and cried. He was about to bust from the joy he felt from within. He never wanted this feeling to end. Heaven was … so heavenly!! Before he knew it the 24 hours in Heaven was over and the Intern returned.
“Ready to go, sir?”, the eager Intern asked.
“Not really”, replied the Manager.
“Don’t worry, sir. It won’t be that bad. You might even like the ‘other place’“.
The Intern led the Manager to a giant elevator with huge golden doors. The beautiful shiny doors opened and the Intern stepped to one-side allowing the Manager to step in first. Once the Manager was in the elevator, the Intern followed. The golden doors closed silently. The Manager could not help but notice the opulence. Bright gold everywhere, smooth dark oak polished handrails, beautiful plush white carpet without a spot of dirt. The elevator sped down quickly and smoothly. Once reaching its destination the doors again silently slid open.
The Manager’s heart was racing not quite sure what to expect as nervously he stepped out of the elevator. A banner ruffled in a light breeze on the beautiful sunny day…not a cloud in the sky. The banner in all capitals declared “WELCOME HOME”. A thunderous cheer arose as a crowd gathered around the Manager. Unseen, the Intern remained in the elevator as the doors quietly closed and he disappeared.
The Manager recognized so many of his old colleagues from Corporate America. They patted him on the back and vigorously shook his hand as they welcomed him. The Manager couldn’t believe it. All his old buddies looked so fit and trim with healthy suntans. Each one of them had two beautiful sexy personal assistants to attend to their every desire. The colleagues ushered the Manager toward the country clubhouse over the large professionally manicured lawn and through the rose garden. The whole time the Manager couldn’t help feeling how lucky he was to be there.
Over the next 24 hours the Manager attended a huge barbecue where he ate and drink to his heart’s content. Then there was a rock concert, after party, and an after-after party. The next morning there was a round of golf on a professional looking course, a pool party, more eating and drinking, on and on and on…. The Manager felt like he did back in his working days at a Fortune 100 company when he had interns, assistants, minions to attend to his every whim, an unlimited budget…..ahh those where the days! His colleagues encouraged him to return to Hell and keep the good times rolling!!
After a quick 24 hours, the Intern returned. “Hello sir. Time to head back to HR”. The Manager nodded his head and bid his comrades farewell. They told the Manager when the time came to choose wisely and please return. Hell was AWESOME!!
The Intern and Manager returned directly to the HR Director’s office. The Director sat at the desk. “Well I trust you had a good time over the past 48 hours”.
The Manager enthusiastically replied, ”Boy, I sure did!”.
The Director asked, ”You now have a decision to make. What’s it going to be?”
The Manager who was so sure he wanted Heaven 48 hours ago now couldn’t make a decision. “Both places were great. It was so good seeing everyone in Heaven and Hell. However, Hell was off the hook!!! I can’t believe I am saying this, but I want to go to Hell”
The Director inquired, “Are you sure?”
The Manager answered, “Yes, I am sure!”
The Director asked the Intern to escort the Manager back to the elevator. The Intern and Manager walked to the elevator, but this time the Manager entered alone. As the elevator began its descent the Manager noticed the gold looked more like brass and seemed dirtier this time. The handrail was gone. The white carpet badly needed cleaning and seemed to be very worn. How odd?? When the doors opened the Manager excitedly stepped out, but he was met with a blast of scalding hot air that knocked him back. The sky was blood red and the ground was scorched bare. The sun’s heat was laser-like and intense. Gone was the beautifully manicured country club lawn. Just barren ground and the suffocating smell of sulfur remained. Standing there was one of his colleagues wearing rags and looking emaciated. No longer did he look fit, tan, and healthy. The Manager looked at him incredulously. The Manager barely whispered, “What happened?” The colleague smiled and replied,”Yesterday we were recruiting you…today you’re staff.”
Send me your Corporate America senseless humor (is there any other kind?). Be sure to check out the “THE CHALLENGE” page and send me your CA story, joke, etc. If I use it I’ll send you a cheap, crappy T-shirt!!!
Until next time my minion-in-arms, keep your head down and keep wearing that Kevlar underwear!!