22 SEP 2019
Hello Corporate American Minions! Once again here I am for another installment of truth.
With today’s employment rate being extremely low, it is a job seekers’ market more than ever. That is good for us minions. We get a little leverage for once even if it is only a fleeting advantage… In my own experience, finding a job in Corporate America normally means hitting the job boards and whipping out those resumes then hoping for the best. I would guess most of my job inquiries for online job postings go straight from the receiver’s Email In-box to Recycle Bin. For every ten or so resumes I send out, I may get one response. I feel like that is not a bad statistic, especially when I am just casually fishing around and not usually not giving the job search a 100% all-out effort. I normally just like to see what is going out in the minion meat-market. I like to take leisurely strolls on the various job board websites and see what is out there.
Once I do get a “hit” on a job inquiry, that’s when I get a call from the hiring company and the initial interview gets scheduled. Queue up the music because the dance is getting ready to start! Normally the first interview is with some fellow minion from the hiring company’s Human Resources Department. Not to sound cocky, but I have to admit that those are the easy round of interviews to get through. You’ve got to really try to screw up interviews with minions from the HR department. As long as you just act normal, don’t seem too eager, and stay very flexible on salary…getting to the next round of interviews should be “cake”. When the salary question comes up just say something like,”while I am looking for a fair salary, it’s not all about money. I want to find a position where I can be an effective team player.” I fully realize that’s a crock of proverbial crap! We all know it’s always about money! However the goal is to make it to the next round of interviewing when you will then be talking to the hiring manager (the person whose opinion really counts). Basketball coach Jim Valvano once said about playing in the NCAA Basketball Tournament,”survive and advance”! Corporate America interviewing is just like that.
So if I do make to the next round of interviewing, normally my odds are pretty good that I can get an offer. As long as I just remember it’s all a game and just tell them what they want to hear. I never lie during an interview especially in regards to my technical abilities. That is just setting yourself up for failure. However, when it comes to the soft questions like, “why are you looking for a new job”, you must give the interviewer what they want to hear. My response to that question is always like that guy trying to get out of relationship in the easiest way possible. The guy says to the girl “it’s me…not you…you’re great!..I just think I am not what you need..I’m not good for you!” In a job interview if asked why I want to leave my current job – I tell the interviewer how great the people I currently work with are (now that could easily move into the realm of lying), that I need a new challenge but my current company can’t provide that, I feel like I could do more for the company…etc, etc, etc…. The golden rule is never trash the company you are leaving….that sends up “DO NOT HIRE” red flares. Here are other Corporate America interview rules: don’t talk sex, don’t talk politics, don’t talk religion…. breaking those rules normally ends badly…. One more rule, when asked any question by the interviewer, don’t talk too much! When giving long winded answers the interviewee ends up talking in circles, runs out of things to say, then there is an awkward silence with the interviewer left wondering if you are done yapping…just keep your answers short. More than likely the interviewer does not care what you are saying anyway and just wants to get done with you to move on to the next minion interview!
So there you have it my fellow minions. Corporate Dog’s rules for interviewing….do you agree? disagree? think I am full of dung? Please let me know!
That is it for now – send me your favorite Corporate America interviewing story – either as the interviewer or interviewee (or even second hand stories….I love office hearsay and gossip!!)…. Be sure to check out the “THE CHALLENGE” page and send me your CA story. If I use it I’ll send you a cheap, crappy T-shirt!!!
Until next time my minion-in-arms, keep your head down and keep wearing that Kevlar underwear!!