7 DEC 2019
Hello Corporate American Minions! Once again here I am for another installment of truth. I must apologize as my last post was about 2 months ago and I have been extremely slack in my blogging. However I do have two good reasons (in my mind) for my slackness. One, I am a crappy corporate America employee and on my best day my work ethic is below average – why should I be any better at blogging? Consistency is key! If your going to do a crappy job – be consistent and don’t show favoritism.
My second reason for being slack in my blogging is that I started a new job at a new company. I am still a minion/peon in the mighty corporate machine – I am just at a new work location being a minion/peon. One might wonder why I left my previous cruddy corporate job – the pay is no better, the a-holes from my old job were at my new job waiting for me (they are just wearing different masks), all the same corporate ridiculousness is at my new job, I was not fired/laid off from my old position – but that is a very reasonable assumption given my spotty work history. Truthfully, I left my previous job of my on volition. I plan to share those reasons and cover job-jumping in a future post. You’ll be underwhelmed in my reasoning for quitting my previous job.
So I started my new job…a clean slate…no previous bad history weighing down on me ….. no baggage… I wanted to give my new boss the image of me being an “ace” employee. I get to work early, stay late, I’m responsive, attentive, productive, pleasant, I try to be a team player…it’s pure hell. However starting a new job is like entering into a new romantic relationship….you don’t want your prospective long-term partner to see your bad side too soon. You are always on your “best behavior” as mom would say. It is a lot of work trying to be a good employee…I hate it, but I can’t reveal my true crappy work-self too soon! So there you have it…my main reason for being neglectful to my blog – trying to cultivate an image of being the next star employee – “employee of the month” – it is very time intensive and is wearing me out. It’s like having a second job!!!
I have been around Corporate America for a number of years and have a fairly good knowledge of the lay of the land and know what to expect when starting a new position at a new company. Here is Corporate Dog’s List of what to expect as a new hire (aka the FNG):
- During the hiring process you will be told how great your future teammates are. Usually, normally, typically, almost always the abilities of your new cube-mates to be are waaaaaay overstated .
- The HR process for on-boarding is most times a convoluted mess. It’s as if the left hand doesn’t know the right hand is holding the toilet paper after taking a number two. Some how the process always gets worked out but it can be messy.
- As the Freaking New Guy, you are a side-show oddity ….. everyone wants to walk by your cube and look at you. They don’t want to talk to you…they just need a gander at the newbie.
- Once you are settled in your cube do not expect much help from the hiring manager…they did their job by
suckeringhiring you into the position. Now you are on your own figuring things out.
- Some of your new teammates are helpful, but usually not in the way you really need. They can direct you where to get desk supplies and where the bathroom/break room are; however getting true institution/job knowledge from the team “power brokers” can be challenging. Often times the old-timers are threatened by the unknown FNG and do not want to share knowledge until they can make sure the FNG poses no threat to their position of team dominance.
- Good luck figuring out the new phone system and how to get your voice mails!
- Never, ever, ever say something like “this is the way we did it at my last job”. No one cares. When being shown how something works, just nod your and say ” that is very interesting, thanks for showing me that”. This will keep you out of harms way.
- Never show disdain for Corporate America, your previous job, your current job, previous/current manager, etc, as a new hire. There will be plenty of time for a crappy negative attitude later.
- As the new hire, you will be given the sh&%tty tasks no else wanted to do. Suck it up and smile FNG – you volunteered for this by taking the new job. Sucker.
- Don’t be a know it all. Everyone hates that especially from the FNG.
Remember, your number one goal as a new hire is to cultivate an image of awesomeness. This will take a good 3 to 6 months after which you can return to your previous, crappy, unmotivated, under-performing work-self. Good luck in that new job!!!
That is it for now – send me your favorite “New Guy Shuffle” story…. Be sure to check out the “THE CHALLENGE” page and send me your CA story. If I use it I’ll send you a cheap, crappy T-shirt!!!
Until next time my minion-in-arms, keep your head down and keep wearing that Kevlar underwear!!