“Working” From Home

Even Dr. Evil knows……….

9 DEC 2019

Hello Corporate American Minions! Once again here I am for another installment of truth.

Everyone that works in Corporate America is well aware of the work from home scam, er, uh, I mean policy. Whether you get to participate in a work from home scam or not…everyone knows how it works.

First, the minion working class has to state its case to manglement (that is not a misspelling of management – just calling it what it is). The minions have to tell the manglers how much more productive they will be at home by not having to find work clothes, do the daily commute, fight traffic, find parking, etc, etc. The minion will say things such as when working from home the poor minion will end up working longer hours, not get sick as much as they won’t have to be around germ infected co-workers, interruptions will be negated by not having the cube visitor pop in every few minutes, the minion can remain focused on their tasks, blah, blah, blah….And the best for last reason the minion can present to management is that the minion could save the employer money by not needing office a dedicated space. Management always seems to get drawn in by the “saving money” scenario…suckers. Truthfully, all of these are minion half-truths – not outright lies, but really, we all know the whole work from home gig is kind of a crock. Working from home is successful for some minions and others, not so much. We minions want work at home for our own selfish reasons, we could careless about how it impacts the employer.

“Thanks a bunch” – Bill Lumbergh

So if you are lucky enough to land a work-from-home gig, do not to screw it up – at least try to do some work. We all know there are some minions that do as little as possible when they are actually, physically at the office, but given the chance to work from home they will become completely useless since they are no longer under the constant watchful eye of management.

The Eye of Management…always watching!!!

Management does have those instant messenger tools for the office workplace like Skype or Outlook IM. When the minion is online and “working”, typically a green circle appears by the minion’s name. This is absolute proof that minion is busy slaving away doing work tasks (and definitely not surfing the net using company resources). If the little circle is red, the minion is busy in a meeting doing important company work (not sharing funny management meme’s using the company’s IM). If the circle is yellow, the minion is taking a well deserved breather from all of their productivity and need to step away from their workstation – they are absolutely not screwing around on their phone or watching TV. Lastly, if the little circle is white, the minion has given up the facade of working and hasn’t even bothered to log on. If the manager calls the minion out about the fact they are not online, the minion can always respond that,” I was working so hard I didn’t even notice I wasn’t online,,,sorry boss”.

If your company goes to a work from home plan it can be a double edge sword. The minion can end up becoming even weirder than normal as they go days without meaningful human contact. Personal hygiene may start to become questionable. Also, while having to worry about office attire is no longer a problem when working from home, the thought of no attire becomes a bit of a creepy image….just think of some of the minions you work with and then think of them nude…..not a pretty picture.

My warning to the minion class: Work from home at your own peril!!!

That is it for now – send me your favorite “Work from Home” story…. Be sure to check out the “THE CHALLENGE” page and send me your CA story.  If I use it I’ll send you a cheap, crappy T-shirt!!!

Until next time my minion-in-arms, keep your head down and keep wearing that Kevlar underwear!!

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